SMP

Again, no light coming through.

2003-09-20T15:45:07Z

This week was so hard on me. I started working for a friend of mine, under the table, out of her home. She lives all the way in Pacifica. I live in Oakland. The commute is about an hour, but I think that is somewhat normal commute time, in the Bay Area.

I have been driving my car with expired tags for a while now. But this week I got pulled over on the Bay Bridge. I am so grateful the cop did not impound my car, as he said that was normal procedure. I went home instead of work, then went to the DMV, spent $500 that I did not have, and got all legal. So, I am thinking "This is good, I don't have to worry about the car issue anymore."

I should not have said that. Yesterday, I had a really long day at work, and at about 7pm, I was getting ready to go home, and one of my co workers came into the house, and said "Sophia, where is your car ??" I knew it.

It got fucking towed.

1. Everyone in this neighborhood drives a Mercedes/BMW.
I drive a 1991 Toyota Tercel. I am sure that it being an old Toyota, it drew the cops attn.

2. I was parked in the wrong direction, as are many other cars..but they are BMW's and residents of Pacifica.

3. EVEN THOUGH I paid my fucking registration, and had current tags, the DMV DID NOT update their data base, so my car STILL shows unregistered.

So, I call the Pacifica PD, and they tell me they towed my car bc of expired TAGS. I almost lost it. Instead I cried, bc it just wasn't true. They probably thought they were stolen tags.

So, then I go down to the Police Dept., pay $40 for a release from them, EVEN THOUGH my car was towed when I should have just gotten a ticket for parking in the wrong direction.

I had to call a cab to drive me to Daly City to get my car. $40.

I get to the towing garage, and by this time, I have been crying for 2 hours, because I had no one to call, was shaky bc I had no eaten all day, and just having a bad week....and just wanted to be HOME. To my familiar.

Oh wait, I forgot one major detail: I had to have the cab driver find a Bank of America, so I could deposit my paycheck, so that I could pay to get my car out of tow.

So, I get to the tow yard, the man is a fucking doll to me. He informed me the cops tore up my car, looking through it. He did not understand WHY they towed my car as I had tags, and being that they tore my car up, including my glove compartment, and emptied my envelope full of CURRENT registration and insurance..

I just sobbed. He was so sympathetic. Instead of charging me $340 to get my car, he knocked it down to $290, which is still a lot, but less than $340.

So, while he is taking me out to show me my car, I trip over some tool, and fall face first on the rough pavement/gravel. I couldn't even get up right away, I just layed there and cried for a couple minute while he knelt down and rubbed my back. Falling just took it over the edge. All my personal stuff scattered everwhere, scraped up knees, elbows, hands and shins. What was the point of rushing and getting up so quickly. I was in pain and felt like nothing else could go wrong.

He was so kind, it made me cry even more. He kept on calling me Miss and Lady. He collected everything that flew out of my purse, and kept telling me it will be okay.

When I went inside to pay him, he told me I could go into the bathroom and wash the dirt off my face arms and hand, and that there was lotion and antiseptics in there, and if I wanted some tea. I cleaned myself up, put on some bactine and neosporin, and blew my nose.

On my way out, the garage kitty came out and greeted me, and the man toold me to go home, take a shower and get some rest.

I wanted to hug him but didn't.

I drove home. Crying. Sobbing, I had to pull over bc I couldnt see and I was shaking.

I had no one to call. My Mom lives in another country and was asleep. I don't have a lover. My friends were out. But I thought I would try to call Olga anyway; she was home.....

I went to her house to take a shower and of course cry, and cry, and cry.....She made me eggos and I came home and went to bed.

People always tell me that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

It doesn't make me feel any better, esp. when I am the one who is jobless and doesn't even have money for food or bridge toll to get to work now.

Dying seems more doable at these times, I don't want to be stronger, damn it.

I hope nothing else happens, for I don't know what I would do.

Sophia

Again, all that glitters isn't gold....

2003-09-20T00:31:16Z

Sometimes something horrible has to happen for one to see the light; most especially if they are prideful, stubborn and self-righteous like me.

I had a really bad phone issue with someone last week; some of y'all might know about it. And when I say bad, I don't mean to say that something happened to me. I did something, and in some ways it was both parties involved, but more so me.

ANYWAY, it made me realize some things.

Some things I will not mention here on this public journal; but the one thing I want to share is that I have come to the realization that I have no business, and often times, no desire to be involved in a new relationship when I have not had closure to the last one I was in.

This sort of closure that I hope to acheive is the kind of closure one acheives on their own--with time, self inventory, and a BIG OLE FAT MIRROR IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE !

Fun, huh ?

I never knew I love(d) my last partner as much as I do. And I am not gonna run from it even though it is not mutual and a possibility. I will just love this person and do nothing about it. Sometimes it is best to be right where you are. So, I am gonna stay here for a whole and remember good things only.

None of this makes sense I am sure-- but it sure does feel good to just type away.

Sadly,
Myself, once again.

I've seen these guys perform, they are FAB......

2003-09-07T17:12:29Z

www.deepdickollective.com

one of the things I always look forward to when East Bay Pride comes around is seeing these guys !

Check it out. Some of you may recognize Marcus Rene Van. He is well known in the TG community and lives in the Bay Area.

New journal....

2003-09-05T07:28:58Z

Contact me privately if you want the link....

Happy Friday Y'all !!

I heart yellow tomatoes...

2003-08-28T03:12:25Z

With feta cheese sprinkled on top.

Really, I do. I had never had them until this past weekend, and they are the most wonderful of all.

Ok, so life is a little heavy right now. I am looking for another job, which isn't so easy. The market is not wonderful, but it is doable, with patience. Patience is not one of my virtues, but it is becoming my virtue, non consensually.

I want a little tiny raise. I want to make $22 an hour, which I can, but I am going to have to look, hard !

My life is changing, and I am not sure what to attribute it to. Perhaps it is my saturn return which I don't know much about. I will be 29 in November, some say I am in the middle of it, some say the end, and some say the beginning. But it is my understanding that Saturn comes around every 27 years, or is it 29 ? Oh fuck, I don't care. All I know is that its a rough time for me.

I have always known myself to be an asshole about certain things, usually things that don't matter much. But I seem the deep asshole issues I have. Like....I am predjudice. I wish there was some sort of course or sensitivity training for people of color who have *ishoos* with Caucasian people.

My step-mother is white, and I've always used that as a crutch to prove that SURELY I cannot be predjudice, but its not legitimate. Loving a white person does not make me exempt from prejudging.

I've had quite a few white lovers. And my god, I loved them, I still do. Always will.

So when people would confront me on having issues with white people I would say something stupid like *I like white people, my step mom is white....or hey, my ex lover/lover is white, I like them people.

My god, how offensive was I ? (Please don't answer that.)

But its like my Dad who is completely predjudice and homophobic. I would confront him on it, and he would say "How can I be predjudice and homophobic when my best friend since childhood is gay and his lovers are ALWAYS black as night, and I accept them ! You are crazy !"

Well, yeah, I am crazy, but bc he has those people in his life doesn't make him exempt, damn it.

I think working in Berkeley, North Berkeley has only perpetuated my issues around race. People always seem to think Berkeley is so diverse, and in a lot of ways it is. Gay, Lesbian, Trans, and Bi folks EVERYWHERE, great. Only problem is; all the dykes look like Harry Potter, drive bran new Volvo's, the gay guys own 700K Victorians and have matching BMW's....and look like your typical white rich queer.

Not a lot of people of color in Berkeley, folks, despite what y'all think.

Granted there are some, thank the goddess.

Berkeley is this city known for its political conviction and involvement, but I have always maintained that yes, Berkeley is the land of freedom fighters.

But it is not POC fighting for their own freedoms, it is white people doing the work for us. Granted, thats really wonderful and appreciated (I guess), *I* would like to fight my own good fight. And in these White Freedom Fighters fighting the good fight, they have again covetted (sp?) any sort of power and voice we should have, by all rights.

Is Berkeley diverse ? Yes, just not culturally.
Is Berkeley politically conscious and active ? yes, as long as its the white people doing the fighting and activism.

Now, before you completely ream me and tell me it is otherwise, keep in mind that this is my journal, and I have worked in Berkeley for 2 years, and have seen the bullshit myself. And also keep in mind I am not attacking *you* personally.

So, yeah, I am glad to live in North Oakland.

My job sucks, completely. I'm trying to get another job before I get let go, but maybe I should wait to get let go and collect unemployment ?

Unemployment won't even pay my rent, though. And I don't want a termination on my resume, although I could just neglect that little tidbit.

Oh, let me bouce backwards for a minute:

About the white thing, I do know where it stems from, and I need to fucking wake up and realize I am no longer 1 of 3 non white people in the town and I am not in redneck (WAY) Northern California.

My current lover is white for all intents and purposes, and my most recent ex, who I am loving more and more, is white.

I am a predjudice ass. God.

Ok, onto something not so serious: I love 92.7 Party. It is dance music all day, everyday. (God, I sound like a MetroPCS commercial)

I love this song called Never by the Roc Project, makes me think of my last relationship, here are the lyrics:

I cant be with you again
Don’t remind me of the good times that we had
Learned a lot from us since then
& I never want these feelings to ever come again

please don’t tell me that you’ve changed
don’t wanna hear of how you’ve lost your evil ways
a lot has changed this time its real
and I wont go back feeling helpless & deceived

you’ll never hear me crying
you’ll never see me trying
to love you once again
you love is so past tense

you’ll never hear me crying
you’ll never see me trying
to love you once again
you love is so past tense

you’ll never hear me crying
you’ll never see me trying
to love you once again
you love is so past tense

And then this song called Hide you by Kosheen:

If you where, in my heart, I'd surely not break you
If you where beside me, and my love would take you
I'll keep you in safety, forever protect you
I'll hide you away from the world you rejected,
I'll hide you
I'll hide you

It has a groovy beat.

Oh and then The sound of Violence by Cassius, here are the lyrics:

I feel like I wanna be inside you,
when the sun goes down yeah
All my heart
Taking in back the blue.
I'm falling into my own senses.
Another night, Another day.
It's better this way, let the music play

All my heart,
only you can know how i feel,
every day is an odd deal to get by,
melancholy have song,
broken skin, look here when i say.

I feel like I wanna be inside you,
when the sun goes down.
i feel like i wanna be inside you,
when the sun goes down

there's movement across the tracks,
I hope to play it all back, alright
lucky me, lucky you,
they've given us, too many warnings.

all my heart,
changing the way I kill, by changing the way I feel,
step forward.
everybody, around the world understands,
what makes a child a man

Yes,I feel like i wanna be inside you,
when the sun goes down.
I feel like I wanna be inside you,
when the sun goes down

As long as I'm gonna be around you,
when the sun goes down yeah

let it out, gonna let it all out
let it out when the sun goes down

you'll be coming out, let it all out
gonna let it out when the sun goes down

let it out, gonna let it all out
let it out when the sun goes down

you'll be coming out, let it all out
gonna let it out when the sun goes down on me...
on me...
when the sun goes down on me...
on yeah...
sun go down on me...
on me....

This post is entirely too long, I am sorry. I don't know how to link when posts are long...you know a link that says *read more* ? I don't know how to do that shit.

I wish someone would stop by my house, and I am not talking about anyone in particular, as much as a warm body who doesn't have expectations of entertainment.

Just bought a halter top....

2003-08-17T00:47:12Z

And I can't think of anything to wear on the bottom that will be flattering to my horrible shape. Yeah, I am ont of the fionest fat chicks I know, but I don't have a great shape.

I am thinking:
A.) I need to go shopping and spend money I don't have right now.

B.) I should find someone who specializes in making fat girl fitting skirts, and have that person make me one, then at least my money when to someone who is fat...accepting, if not fat herself/himself.

I hate paying Lane Bryant. I really do. My tummy is so big and loose.

Should I go for a high waist ? low waist ? or something custom ?

All suggestions are welcomed.

For those of you who don't have my cellie number, the number is: 510-978-6492 ( I think, or maybe its 6942)

SINCE my copy doesn't work, here is my LJ name HAIKU...for Chub

2003-08-13T00:28:54Z

don't know sonnet xvii
by pablo neruda don't
love you as if you

Cleaning out the closet (of Devon and Sophia ?).......

2003-08-10T04:03:14Z

I have this pretty big closet off of my living room. It is beneath the stairs going upstairs. I had made it into a little office. had my computer set up in there, a little lazy chair, a lamp, etc. But over the months of tumultuous change, it became the junk room/closet. I have shit in there I forgot I had. Brand new stuff. Even clothes I forgot I bought. It was like shopping.

It has been a bittersweet experience thus far.

I found a lot of Devons clothes. A green and yellow jersey type shirt he loved, his stinky black socks (he has the cutest feet ever), his clipboard from his job.

And so many other things.

Initially, I always feel a sting when I find things that remind me of us, but this time I found myself smiling. I found yarn of his, that he made me a purse and scarf out of, I found all my x mas tree ornaments. Last Xmas was the first Xmas I ever shared with a lover. We decorated the tree, it was my first time ever having a Xmas tree. It was all memorable stuff, because it was a good time.

Maybe I am deluding myself, but it was good to have him around.

He was so funny and goofy, and he didn't even try to be. Whether it was him running into stuff, or falling down in the middle of Telegraph avenue.

There was this pothole or something on Telegraph Avenue, and we used to walk acorss that intersection to get to Asmara, our favorite Ethiopian/Eritrean Restarant, and even though he knew it was there...he would at LEAST trip.

Oh, maybe this is all my version of closure. I don't know.

Back to cleaning out my closet, literally and otherwise.

Sophia

I'm not being mean.....

2003-08-01T02:19:17Z

But I thought this song is as close as something can get to how a certain someone and I feel....felt ? I only post it with love. I hear it on the radio everyday, and it really is beautiful.

Funny, I think that both of us feels this way about one another.

Takes 2 to tango !

Never by: The Roc Project
(I'll never......)

(I can't be with you)
I can't be with you again
don't remind me of the good times that we had
learn a lot from us instead
i never want these feelings to ever come again

[Chorus]
you'll never here me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense

Please don't tell me that you've changed
don't wanna here on how you've lost your evil ways
the one who's changed this time is me
and i wont go back to feeling helpless and deceived

[Chorus]
you'll never here me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
you'll never here me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
your love
your love

to think you had me fooled every now and then
you had me believing that i was the reason that you left
but i wont fall back in love with you again
i don't even wanna be
(dont even wanna be)
your friend
oh no no

[Chorus]
you'll never here me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
you'll never here me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense

(so past tense)
(your love is so past tense)

Thumbmails...

2003-07-30T02:22:50Z

Thank you baby boy (Unheardmusic31) for doing the thumbnails for me !

See you in a few !

User Icons

2003-07-30T01:09:16Z

Can someone please help me make some new pics into thumbnails so I can use them as my user icons ?

Thanksamil !

And for you local people....

2003-07-21T22:10:06Z

http://www.caribbeansummerfest.com/

Beautiful weather to boot.....

2003-07-21T22:01:56Z

Oh, the weather here has been fabulous. It has been not too hot, yet not too cool. Consistently, for over a week now.

Up until a few weeks ago, we were actually having cold weather, if you can imagine, in July ! It has to be the ozone layer and all the effects (sp?) of the deterioration of it.

I never post here, don't even know why I keep the account. I suppose because it's free, and it really doesn't matter either way of I have it or not.

When I do post it is because I want to type away what I am feeling, what I am living, and see it in black and white.

A co-worker/friend of mine placed an ad for me on match.com, and I had gotten some responses, but I am not particularly impressed with 1-2 liner emails, so for the most part, I was unmoved and uninspired to respond.

But I got this one, here it is:

"My name is Charmaine and I live in Benicia. I have been up in the bay area for about 3 years now from Los Angeles. I have hazel eyes, several tattos, large gauge ear piercing, a shaved head. I just turned 34 years old. I am passionate, loving and very, very good in bed. I am looking to spoil and hang out with someone special. I enjoy cooking, gardening, walking, swimming, shooting pool, hot tubbing. Things that make me happy are: butterflies, the moon and stars, candles, incense, romance. I would like to learn more about you and what makes you happy. I am sharing this service with my friend, because she is to shy to do it on her own (she's got the computer). That is why there is no profile. I work nights and my days off are Sunday-Tuesday. I am going to be in San Francisco this weekend for pride. Maybe I will see you there. Give me a call my cell phone is *!$-@&*-*&%!. Take care.

Charmaine"

I read this, and a couple things stood out to me. The things that made her happy, the bald head, and hazel eyes.....and of course, teh part where she says she is "very, very, good in bed." I found it cocky, and thought that I should give her a call, and find out for myself, assuming there is some kind of connection.

I re-read it again and thought to myself: ' WHOA !! IT CANNOT BE HERE !!!!!"

So, I call, and say "Hi, Charmaine, you answered an ad my co worker wrote for me. My name is Sophia, to which she says "NO FUCKING WAY !!!"

Ok, get this: I met her in LA, right after I had moved away from there. I was on the verge of being 21, or was it 22 ?

She was friends with this girl named Jennifer who lived in the same prostitution recovery home I did. Jennifer moved in with her, and gave me Charmaine number to get ahold of her.

Somehow, in calling to talk to Jennifer, Charmaine and I started flirting.

We used to send eachother letters, talk on the phone, all that shit.

I drove to LA to see her one weekend, and we had sex.

We lost contact, bc I moved around a lot at that time.
SO ITS HER ! What are the odds ?

She is totally hot, and I don't agree that her eyes are hazel; they are green.

Avocado green with yellow in the middle, and sometimes a greyish blue on the outside. So I guess its hazel; but let me have my dellusion.

She came over the Monday after Pride. With 2 bouquets of flowers that she grew herself.
Gladiolas and Sweet Peas.

When I opened the door, I lost my bitterness and armor of jade, ans gained back my hopeless girl, my non anxious self, my carefree and sexual self.

It just flowed.

I can't remember how many years its been since I've gasped just from the mere look or a woman. An adoring woman.

I can't remember how long its been that I've actually felt something when someone touched me.

Oh, this sounds all so lesbian and dramatic and uhaul-ish, and I suppose in some ways it is. But in its defense, I have to say it is different; because it is easy.

She went to Culinary School, and cooks wonderfully, andI can go on for days and days about how stupidly giddy and hopeful I am, but I won't.

I wonder why we didn't get together back them; I don't remember anything bad, we didn't have a falling out, or anything ever.

But at 21 (or was it 22?) I know I was not even remotely interested in love.

I don't even care.

We both made many decisions, both small and big, to end up where we are now, in our own lives and eachothers. I think that is amazing.

And here is the ultimate lesbian thing of it all. Wait, here are 2 completely lesbian things:

We talk about moving to Long Beach and buying a house in 2.5 years: after her 401K is vested.

AND

We went to the Jewelry Exchange yesterday, in Burlingame, and she bought be a white gold band with 8 little diamonds in it. It's a promise ring. I never thought I was a diamond kinda girl, but I love this. Especially it's simplicity.

It's a lot to take in, but it feels wonderful to swallow.

If we don't last another day, I will be happy and feel blessed to have experienced all of this.

But I think we will last longer than a day.

For now, I am looking forward to a wonderful summer with a beautiful bald headed girl, road trips to LA and Oregon, and good homemade food and home grown flowers.

There are no coincidences or accidents.

Playing UNO on the sidewalk....

2003-06-27T05:16:48Z

With my neighbors, one of whom is my best friend, Maria Luisa. The kids were with us. One year old Aaliyah and 3 year old Naia. We set up a little table for them, let them draw with markers and suck on popsicles.

I love UNO, I wish people played faster.

How often do you see people setting up a table and chairs on the sidewalk, all with a cool drink, a few books and cards, laughing as loud as they want to ?

I embrace simplicity tonight, and hope to always embrace it.

But I am suddenly overhwlmed with a feeling of lonliness I don't think I've ever felt, or allowed myself to feel.

I know I am going to have a rough night. Maybe I will wake up in a full blown anxiety attack, and realize how alone I really am.

My life is not so bad, really, I'm just feeling anxiety.

Or maybe I will sleep soundly.......highly doubtful.

Happy Pride weekend.

Sex work

2003-06-11T01:10:41Z

Does anyone know of any fat sex workers who could hook me up with some work/agency/leads ?

I was involved in sex work many years ago, and now as I am looking to do it again.....possibly.

I am a fat woman and surely there is a market for hot fat chicks !

Any info would be appreciated !

Sometimes I dont know...

2003-06-04T18:26:54Z

Why I even have this journal-- I rarely use it. it seems I only come to this journal when I am in crisis......

And now I am in a crisis, I think-- not a personal crisis, but my ebst friend is almost positive she is getting laid off, with no severance, due to company cut-backs....and yeah, she can live on unemployment. Except that her 20 year old sister just moved in with her 1 year old baby...she her resrouces were already tapped, and she makes good money....

I dont know how much I believe in prayer-- but if you BELEIVE in it-- please say a little prayer for MLJ, her sister and the baby, Aaliyah.

Ill update soon.

Sophia

I don't know, really...

2003-04-07T02:42:14Z

I miss Devon. Seriously.

Have you ever missed a person, their adoration, their energy so much-- that is physically hurt ?

My arms ache.

We used to sleep a certain way-- he would start out spooning me-- I would inevitably ask him to flip over so I would be spooning him.

I sleep on my side- so does he.

His body would support mine, and I would hang onto this soft little area of his pooch.

Mmmm...

Now my back has been hurting and I think its because he's gone and my back is not supported and my belly is heavy when I am on my side.

His works shirts are hanging on my doors. His towel is where he left it. It is losing his scent, and soon I won't be able to smell it-- but I know its there.

I even have an AC Transit bus transfer on the back of my couch, I am not throwing it away.

I guess it just has to be this way.

I've been looking into moving into the moutains. In some parts of CA I could afford to live on unemployment and be completely detached. No phone, no nothing-- except myself.

It somehow seems like the best idea.

But I won't quit my job until I decide.

I know I am gaining weight. I do this emotional eating thing. Its quite disgusting and embarrassing.

Sometimes when I talk to Devon I know that nothing has changed even though we are apart-- and other days, like today-- I know things have changed.

he is a taurus, he is loyal to a fault-- but when he is done, he is done. And he is about there.

My loss, I am sure.

But, he did wish me ill will-- wished that I would live to regret all I've done.

I sometimes already do.

repost: I don't know why...

2003-03-24T00:24:10Z

Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The end of my story..or beginning of a new chapter ?

2003-03-23T23:44:01Z

I cannot predict.

http://www.aqmusic.com/llorona.html

Yes, I'm a Ho....

2003-01-11T19:12:25Z

Your Hidden Sexual Talent is Cam Ho-ing for Cash

You've got red lipstick and an X10.

For a few bucks the fun will begin.

Your pants won't be on for long,

If someone offers to buy you a new thong.

What's *Your* Hidden Sexual Talent?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

dumb, but amusing quiz....

2002-12-05T02:56:43Z

I'm Ruth, who are you? by Clicks and Buzzes

another, and happy fucking thanksgiving...gobble gobble !

2002-11-29T03:23:16Z

What Kind of Coffee are You? by Medox

for kicks.....

2002-11-29T03:17:44Z

What Classic Pin-up Are You? by Medox

Suprise, fucking, Suprise.....

2002-11-19T04:56:41Z

I have issues with...

poor
history
murder
violence
sex

Take Word Association Test

a little rant...

2002-11-18T14:21:30Z

1. Chub is not here to serve me coffee, love on me, rub my feet, piss me off at least ONCE before I leave for work or smile at me.

2. I have to commute all the way to Pleasanton for work, for a week and a half, when I live in FUCKING NORTH OAKLAND, and get to come home to....nothing. Chub isn't here anymore.

3. Before the end of the day I will be bleeding like a mf, and Chub is not here to gimme the nookie I need about now.

Love you, Chubsta !
-Phia